omrumsworld

Archive for the category “PROSES”

”Kırmızı Pelerinli Kent”ten Bazı Alıntılar (Aslı Erdoğan)

Gövdenin ağırlığını taşıyamayacak bir çift kanat uğruna köklerini kesenler…

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Onca çaba, özveri, çırpınış ve bunalımın sonucunda ortaya çıkan, hiç de umduğu gibi bir köprü, ondan dışarıya, dış dünyaya ulaşan bir köprü değildir. Yaşam, bütün kayıtsızlığı ve alaycılığıyla akıp giderken o yalnızca, gerçeğin korkunç çölünde kişisel bir gözlem kulesi yapmıştır. Çatlak tahtalarından rüzgarlar dolan, sallantılı, uğultulu bir kule… Sonuçta, eline kalem alan herkes şu soruyla fazlasıyla uğraşmak zorundadır: Gerçeğin ne kadarına DAYANABİLİRİM?

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Günbatımı… Yaşamın bütün görkemi ve sefaletiyle gurup rengine büründüğü saat… Tropiklerde bir son, bir bitiş gibi yaşanmaz, asla hüzün uyandırmazdı. Coşkulu bir senfoninin ilk notaları gibiydi daha çok; eskimiş, köhnemiş, tüketilmiş bir düşü yeniden, baştan yaratıyordu. Saf ışıktan dokunmuş, incecik bir ağ atılmıştı göğün üzerine, bir tapınağın yarı-saydam perdesi gibi;altın ve erguvan renkli parıltılarla yanıp sönüyordu bulutlar. Kundağındaki geceyi taşıyan kocaman, karanlık kuş, uçları alev almış kanatlarını yavaşça açıyordu. Durgun, saf, berrak, ölümsüz gökyüzü…

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Kaosun denklemi çok basit aslında. Yaşam = yaşam. Ölüm = ölüm. Oysa hepimiz kendi denklemimizi kurmanın ve dünyayı ona eşdeğer kılmanın peşindeyiz. ne aymazlık!
Senin içindekini barındıracak derinlikte hiç bir şey yoktur gerçek dünyada; ama sen de, yaşamın, ölümün ve bütün düşlerinle, gerçeğin korkunç sonsuzluğunda, oylumsuz bir noktadan daha büyük değilsin.

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Büyük Sır orada, o kör noktada işte: Yaşam iki göz kırpması arasında görülen bir düştür. Yalnızca bir düş..

Amerika Dersleri’nden Bazı Alıntılar (Italo Calvino)

”Il faut être léger comme l’oiseau, et non comme la plume” (Paul Valery)
”Kuş gibi hafif olmalı, tüy gibi değil.”

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Nasıl hüzün ağırlığını yitirmiş üzüntü ise, mizah da aynı şekilde, ağırlığını yitirmiş gülmecedir.

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Söz, boşluğun üzerine atılan dayanıksız bir kurtuluş köprüsü gibi, görünür izi görünmez şeye, eksik olan şeye, arzulanan ya da korkulan şeye bağlar.

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Yazmaya başladığımız andan bir önceki ana kadar, dünya – her birimiz için dünyayı oluşturan şey, yani bir bilgiler, deneyimler,değerler toplamı – vardır karşımızda, bir bütün halindeki, öncesiz ve sonrasız dünya, bireysel anı olarak ve örtük gizilgüç olarak dünya. Ve biz,bu dünyadan bir söylem, bir öykü, bir duygu çıkarmak isteriz; ya da belki de, daha kesin olarak söylemek gerekirse, bu dünyada kendimizi konumlandırmamıza olanak sağlayacak bir işlemi gerçekleştirmek isteriz. Bütün diller emrimizdedir: edebiyatın geliştirdiği diller, uygarlıkların ve bireylerin değişik çağlarda ve ülkelerde kendilerini dile getirdikleri üsluplar; aynı zamanda çok farklı disiplinlerin geliştirdiği, son derece farklı biçimlere ulaşma amacını taşıyan diller. Ve biz, onların içinden, söylemek istediğimize uygun dili, söylemek istediğimiz şeyin ta kendisi OLAN dili çekip çıkarmak isteriz.

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Öykü nasıl biterse bitsin, öykünün bitmiş sayılabileceğine karar verdiğimiz an hangisi olursa olsun, anlatma eyleminin o noktaya doğru gitmediğini, önemli olanın başka bir yerde olduğunu, daha önce olup bitenler olduğunu anımsarız. Anlatılabilir olanın sürekliliğinden çekip çıkarılmış, o yalıtılmış olaylar parçasının edindiği anlam olduğunu.

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THE ANNIVERSARY (Tuesday, July 16, 2013)

It’s been a long time since I’ve written an article or such. Thus, it is going to be difficult to construct this piece, be it one paragraph or more; I’ve no idea about that. Actually, poetry and proses mingle well, and the distinction is further blurred if you prefer unrhymed and unmetered style in the former. Well, I must admit I don’t care what I’m writing any more. I feel restrained and suffocated when I try to fit in a category. These categories are synthetic, then why should I keep my mind busy with it? I am indeed allergic to classifications and categorizations. The only difference for me is that I can be more obscure in poetry, and the reader can enjoy the sweet and bitter aspect this freedom as much as he wishes. In the beginning, I was totally amazed to realize that the same words, the same lines carry very different meanings and associate with a wide spectrum of feelings for the readers. I thought I wrote bad and failed in creating the atmosphere I intended. What a shame! I’ve always been proud of my expressive capability, not verbally but in written form. That was the reflection of my character, thoughts elaborately handled, analyzed, objective conclusions derived and neatly placed in small drawers of my gallery. Not a single grain of dust allowed!

My disappointment did not last long. As I checked comments to the poems of other writers, I saw that it was not my fault, or anybody’s fault. We comprehend the stimuli from outside world within a framework unique to each one of us. This frame is formed by past experiences – what happened, how we reacted and what imprint it left on the Self. This is dynamic, ever-changing, even from moment to moment like a thick but fluid amorphous material. We have openings to the outer life in layers with a very complicated structure. Picture a dynamic labyrinth from the center to the outer shell. The walls slide, rise and fall, each time producing a different route to the same spot from the same point of start, that is, the Self.

Relieved with this understanding, I wrote only poems after a few days of proses. I wrote them and uploaded to my blog every day. Yes, I kept the promise I gave to myself: I WROTE DAILY FOR 365 DAYS, A WHOLE YEAR! Now I smile with contentment and victory. I know I’m very stubborn. Once I decide on something, nothing can stop me. I proceed to the goal like a missile. I may zigzag, pause to breathe, but never stop. That character trait is both good and bad. Good in the sense that I can concentrate and reach my goals with steady work, but bad that may be a burden on my shoulders and loss of taste in Life. Now that I’m familiar with Buddhism, the latter no longer poses a threat. I enjoy it; I enjoy even the most colorless duty if I am ‘’there and then’’. I used to describe my continuous transformation like molding a statue. What I imagined was an artist with a chisel in hand, carving a block of marble or granite. Now I have a different image. The artist gives form to the statue with plaster. Gentle touches with skillful fingers. This understanding is a direct product of studying Buddhism.

Anyway, here I am, proud of accomplishing a task. Now what will follow? A pause to listen to the Silence? Investing my energy in another novel? Continue poetry? I don’t have answers. The only thing I can say is, I will write as long as I breathe, in order to breathe.

THANK YOU

Dear ‘’apolitical’’ youth,

Your stand crashed on my aching bones, blurry eyes, my tired heart and numb brain like a wave. Your optimism, sense of humor, your expression devoid of ‘’Hate’’ and your naturalness did so good to me! You are not ‘’apolitical’’, on the contrary, you are the most beautiful representatives of ‘’postmodern politicism’’. Unfortunately, although we, the veteran socialists and communists, have always been and are for the ‘’New’’ and for freedom, we have not broken the patterns of the ‘’Old’’ completely. Thus we have carried the old way expression on ourselves like a crust. Thank you for cracking this crust! We will do the rest and be born again into this ‘’New World’’, fragile, free and as it is like a butterfly.

Of course, it may take some time to remove the crusts. Some wounds are still bleeding under them, the wounds inflicted in an era you were not born, but may have an idea from some TV series and movies, the wounds your parents never talked about because they hurt as if they occurred only yesterday. There are some sparks in the bottom of our hearts kept alive with ‘’Anger’’. Because that was what we had to hold on and survive in the fires. ‘’Anger’’ kept some of us alive. It will take some time, I know. However, we did not see a sign of ‘’Hate’’ in your bright faces while you got hurt by tear gas, water, kicks and batons. You placed a smile on my lips. Bravo for that! I will do the rest, we will…

Thank you…

TEŞEKKÜRLER

Sevgili ‘’apolitik’’ gençler,

Ağrıyan kemiklerime, bulanık gözlerime, yorgun yüreğime, uyuşmuş zihnime sert bir dalga gibi çarptı duruşunuz. İyimserliğiniz, mizah gücünüz, nefretsiz söyleminiz, doğallığınız öyle iyi geldi! Siz ‘’apolitik’’ filan değilsiniz, ‘’postmodern politikliğin’’ en güzel temsilcilerisiniz. Ne yazık ki biz ‘’eski tüfekler’’ hep yeniden ve yenilikten, özgürlükten yana olmakla birlikte ‘’Eski’’nin kalıplarını tam kıramamışız, eski söylemleri fark etmesek de üzerimizde taşımısız bir kabuk gibi. Bu kabuğu kırdığınız için teşekkürler! Gerisini biz yaparız ve yeniden doğarız bu ‘’Yeni Dünya’’ya, bir kelebek kadar narin, bir kelebek kadar kendince ve ‘’özgür’’…

Elbette kabukların kaldırılması biraz zaman alabilir, bazılarının altında hala kanayan yaralar var, sizlerin daha doğmadığı, TV dizilerinde, filmlerde kısmen izlediği dönemlerden kalan. Az da olsa hala ‘’öfke’’ ile beslenen kıvılcımlar var yüreklerimizin derinliklerinde, çünkü biz böyle gördük, yangınlarda kavrula kavrula sağkalabilmenin yollarını el yordamıyla böyle bulduk. ‘’Öfke’’ yaşamla bağımızı canlı tuttu kimimizde. Zaman alacak, bunu biliyorum. Ama bunca kaos içinde gaz ve su yerken, yaralanıp berelenirken ‘’Nefret’’i görmedik aydınlık yüzlerinizde. Dudağıma bu gülümsemeyi kondurdunuz ya, helal olsun! Gerisini ben hallederim, biz hallederiz…

Teşekkürler…

Ömrüm Uzun,

6 Haziran 2013 Perşembe

LOVE, ATTACHMENT, NON-ATTACHMENT: CHALLENGE NO.5 (Wednesday, August 8, 2012)

Love and Attachment… A tricky topic for today.

Is love possible without attachment? This question kept me pretty busy last year. How can you love and not be attached to that one or thing?

I am well aware of the notion of ‘’non-attachment in Buddhism. But I had a tough time in understanding how one can love while not attached. A seemingly paradoxical statement for me, a real puzzle I needed to solve to overcome my problem of ‘’clinging’’ to those I love and turning their lives into misery with my focused but suffocating love. Some of you may recognize a familiar pattern here. This issue is more common with women. There are several reasons why one adopts such an attitude, rooted deeply in childhood and relations with parents, the social status of woman in the contemporary world, in relationships, the difference between a woman’s ‘’brain’’ and a man’s, the latter probably rooted not in childhood but archaic collective conscience. Whatever the reason is, we, women are more prone to get ‘’attached’’ in relationships while the men’s objects of attachment are more diverse and solid.

Attachment is the very reason to suffer. Nothing remains the same. Your beautiful house may be destroyed in one night with fire or earthquake; your fancy sports car may crash because of a lousy driver or a stray dog running across the road; your company, your pride may collapse, a real threat especially nowadays; your lovely pet will sooner or later die; your beloved partner may dump you for a younger and more fit chick; your dearest child may die in an accident or after suffering from an incurable cancer. There are ‘’less traumatic’’ scenarios, too; for instance, the gorgeous red rose in your garden pales and withers. Anything can happen to anyone. None of us is immune to such calamity.

And we suffer. We suffer because we lost what or who we loved. Of course, it’s not the loss of our ‘’love ‘’ for them. We still love them as we did yesterday. We suffer because we have lost the ‘’object’’ of our love. We feel as if we are cut off from our source of happiness all of a sudden. There is truth in that: We, ourselves, make these ‘’objects’’ our source of happiness.

Our house, our car, our business, our family, our roses nurture us. We, human beings, are social creatures. We need to interact with our environment to survive and function both physically and spiritually. Bread, meat and vegetables feed our bodies, while the rest feed our soul. Love is the greatest food for our minds. Thus, it is not surprising we all look for love since we are born until our last breath. If you are a member of a forum or a social media, just scroll down the posts of other members: love, love, love… Love is light, love is divine, love is the god, love is the answer, love is us, or we are love, etc. When you are heartbroken, these posts probably sound silly, even annoying to you. Love everywhere! Bullshit! Love sucks!

Losing the object of love is the cause of pain. Why? Do you need the presence of that particular person or thing to go on loving? Of course not! You still love your deceased parents, husband, or wife. It is cessation of the satisfaction you get from interacting with them. Turning the key and stepping inside your house after a hard day’s work, driving leisurely, or speeding, on a road with little or no traffic while listening to your favorite songs in your car, petting your cat or dog, smelling and feeling the velvety touch of the rose… These are what make you happy. You can add to this list what you share with your partner, children and friends. A long, very long list it would be. And then, one day, they’re gone! Gone in a blink of an eye!

It is this interaction that creates ‘’attachment’’. Because you feel happy, you get attached. A natural cause-effect relationship. In case of romantic love, add the ecstasy and the realm of magic; it is more than attachment. It becomes clinging, even addiction. Romantic love is the most powerful addictive ‘’substance’’, legal and encouraged!

But we know love doesn’t need to co-exist with attachment as in the case of our deceased beloved ones. We don’t expect anything from them, we can’t; they are gone. They can’t talk to us, they can’t look into our eyes, they can’t hold our hands, they can’t give us a hug, yet we love them. When we think of them, we smile and feel their warmth. We feel happy. We realize the loss of the beloved does not mark the end of love and happiness we once had while we were together.

Thus, a healthy-type – a more realistic you may call – of love is possible. It has nothing to do with attachment, even with the object. Love comes from the inside, and is reflected on that particular object. You give it fully and enjoy this feeling. It is your love that makes the ‘’loved’’ desirable and a source of happiness for you, not him or her, or it. Once you realize this truth such discussions as ‘’love should be mutual’’, ‘’you should get what you give’’ lose their meaning. Besides, every living being loves in their own way. You give your love to your partner in your unique way distilled by the complex past experiences that have molded you into the ‘’present you’’, so does he or does she, so does my cat Taffy and my roses in the balcony…

THE SHOPPING MALLS (Sunday, August 5, 2012)

The shopping malls are one of the few places to kill time in my city during summer. Air-conditioned, a roof above to cut the burning sun add to the alurement of a diversity of stores in one place, comfort in parking, a huge food-court and movies. They were not popular 15 to 20 years ago. I used to browse the windows of small stores in the streets. Some of them moved to the malls and turned into a chain of stores or closed down unable to compete with the bigger companies. I am not for or against the malls. But it is a truth that they had a tremendous effect on our way of living, thus, our values, and thoughts.

The introduction of shopping malls and their subsequent unpreventable expansion marked a milestone in the social transformation. We became an integral part of the ‘’global village’’ set by the pioneers of contemporary capitalism. We melted in the same pot and merged, homogenized for the sake of ‘’harmony’’ and ‘’adaptation’’ with the ‘’leading developed’’ world countries.

There is not much difference between a shopping mall here and in the US or another country. Of course, the physical structure as well as the concept of a particular mall varies; there are local companies in addition to the international chains, but the basic organization is a copycat: stores specialized in men’s or women’s clothing, shoes and bags, cosmetics, electronic household appliances, sports items, mobile phone services, kids, and toy shops, a food court and movie saloons. Added to this list are a big food market, a coiffeur saloon, a bookstore, and a dry-clenaner’s. I bet you would feel ‘’at home’’ if you go shopping in one of our malls. The same holds true for our people, too. They are more confident while browsing the racks and trying on, or paying at the cashier. They talk more loudly among themselves and not afraid at all to make a ‘’mistake’’ that will render them to the contemptuous looks of the salespeople, or their own archaic and deep-rooted suffering from ‘’inferiority’’. After all, the only issue now is language barrier, not alienation from this ‘’culture’’.

I have been to many shopping malls all over the world and made enough observations to notice the specific stamp of the people in that country. Yes, the basic organization and general behavioral pattern of visitors are very similar. However, you can notice the ‘’innate’’ color and smell of that particular population when you spend some time there. Although global capitalism molds them into one stereotype harshly chopping off the ‘’unnecessary’’ branches, a few buds shrink and hide themselves close to the trunk, evident only to careful eyes.

Sale-time now. Almost all the stores have big and colorful writings on the display windows: ‘’Sale! Sale! Sale!’’ ‘’The biggest sale of summer 2012’’. ‘’Prices down to 50%!’’. ‘’Buy one, get the second half-price, ‘’or ‘’buy one, get the second free’’. ‘’We are emptying the shelves!’’ The salespeople sweat buckets to fold, hang or place the items plundered by the customers, but in vain; the store looks as a battlefield soon after its opening. Top tanks, shorts and pants lie in piles as casualties; nevertheless, no mournful song is heard from those left behind. That’s their destiny carved deep in their foreheads during manufacture; resistance is futile. Some will be lucky to be picked by an enthusiastic teenager or a tired mother of four while the remaining corpses wait for the crane to lift and dump them into big parcels to be transferred to the unknown.

A store does not get into this hassle. A big store with three floors spread on hundreds of acres of land. They don’t go on sale to empty the stocks. Actually, they run short most of the time. Some of the customers pay infrequent visits whereas the others are very loyal, but each one willing to pay how much a particular item costs. One clarification though: Payment is not necessarily with money or credit card. You can trade what you have. The company has a stable customer policy that has not changed at all since they have been in business. The price of items is reduced for loyal buyers. The more they recommend the company to their families and friends, the less they pay. In any case, one customer brings in several ones, thus the business is ever-expanding and unaffected in the ups and downs of world economics. The policy of ‘’one skilled salesperson for each client’’ has also had a major impact on the privileged position of the company. The salesperson seldom changes once the customer is satisfied with the service. Hence, visit to the store alone is a joyous event as if being in a previous resort place you fell in love in your vacation. A very refined concept in trade business, indeed.

I can see some of you raise eyebrows. A few mumble: ‘’Where is this department store? I know nothing of this kind here!’’ You do, dear Reader, you do. It is an international chain store present even in the smallest populated locations worldwide. You pass by it every day. I am sure you have glimpsed through the half-open door – gigantic and carved in brass ornamented with golden figures for some, plain wooden yet inviting for the others. Some of you have actually been there once whereas some still pay regular visits to catch up with the latest trends. You are familiar with it, come on!

Let me name and describe the floors to give you a hint:

Floor 0: Welcoming floor, a cozy atmosphere to relax and refresh with drinks at the pool bar in summer or by the fireplace in winter.

Floor 1: Body. Shelves populated with body parts: Hair – long blonde, short curly, black, auburn, released over the shoulders freely or gathered tightly at the back, any kind, any color, any design…  Eyes, eyebrows, eyelashes, nose, cheeks, lips teeth, face contour, neck, breasts, back, waist, arms and legs, fingernails… Countless items to make trendy combinations.

Floor 2: Soul. Shelves populated with souls or soul parts: Arrogant, not-so-arrogant but charismatic, affectionate, affectionate-looking, very generous, generous, not generous, loving, serious, judging harshly, judging objectively, judging kindly, good only to oneself, good to others, good to both, bad only to oneself, bad to others, bad to both…. Countless items to make endless combinations.

Have you really not seen that store before? Have you not been there? What did you pay for your first item? Or what did you trade for it? For the second? The third?…

‘’WORDS’’: CHALLENGE NO.4 (Wednesday, August 1, 2012)

Words… Have you ever imagined their power? I am not talking about how one could affect the other’s life with the words he or she chooses. Words could be a deadly weapon, or uplifting the one trying to stand up. This we all know, especially when they come from somebody we care a lot.

Close your eyes for a moment and dream of a world with no words. Imagine you lost the words. This is not the same as being deaf and dumb, because in the latter you either know the words beforehand – and you can talk to yourself at the least, and write, of course, or learn them in writing later in time. Maybe the closest to this situation is that of a human being raised in the forest by animals. We all read such stories but probably not much interested in how these subjects later express how it was to be without words. No wonder Tolkien was attracted to linguistics, and created several languages that paved the road to his widely known novels.

I am not an expert in this field, only a simple woman with a rich imagination. Please don’t expect any scientific data assuming that’s what a doctor could easily do. Now, back to our dream: Imagine you wake up one day to find out you are devoid of words and the matching concepts in your mind. You see the white rose, gracefully swaying and radiating a beautiful smell. Yet, you don’t know what it is! You can’t name it! You touch it; the thorn sticks in your finger. Ouch! You let out a sound reflexively with no idea why. Of course, pain is the very reason, but you lost that concept with the ‘’word’’ pain. You can only feel it and react. Then you smell the rose. Oh, it’s mesmerizing! You smile. That’s all…

Your inner voice that sometimes drives you crazy is completely gone! Now you are open to the outer world and can ‘’live and enjoy at the fullest’’ as they say. Good to shut that voice up for sometime, but what if it does not come back? A deafening silence… How would you perceive the sounds around you once you have no voice talking inside? The humming bird’s song, for instance. Would it be the same as before? It is the same merry chirping, the same notes, but is it the same as it used to be? Remember, you lost not only the words, but the matching concepts with them, too.

Time to look around. You are not alone. You live in a town or a crowded city with many others who are exactly in the same situation. What a disaster! You don’t know how far this curse extends. Is it only in your town, in your country, or a global problem? Maybe that’s the biggest calamity settled upon mankind. I am not sure if you are concerned about it because I have no idea what is in your mind. By the way, can you think without words? Can you have any concerns?

This is surely a disaster scenario, a challenging topic for a novelist, more challenging than that in ‘’Blindness’’ by Jose Saramago. It sounds paradoxical to write a novel about the lack of ‘’words’’ and accompanying concepts, but this idea is indeed intriguing.

Let’s stop this dream here and be thankful that we have ‘’words’’, each one with one or more meanings written in any dictionary or reference book, ‘’approved and accepted’’ meanings that you can rely on for communication. However, sometimes a word has a special meaning unknown to others. Only you know it. You are not even sure that the person you address also knows that meaning, but it doesn’t matter. You use it because other words are ‘’forbidden’’ by a silent contract signed by the two parties, or only by you. You cannot write them down; they burn your fingers. You cannot say them aloud; they burn your tongue. You cannot even repeat them to yourself; they burn your heart. Thus, you load their meaning to other ‘’harmless’’ words. You say: ‘’I miss you’’…

THE NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS (FOR 2013) (Tuesday, July 31, 2012)

It’s time to ponder and write down my New Year resolutions. We’re in the middle of summer, five whole months more to go! But the ‘’personal’’ year – analogical to ‘’fiscal’’ year – begins in fall for me. Why fall? Probably because my working tempo is relatively slow during summer, no lectures in the medical school, no conferences to attend and talk, only the routine job I do – that is, attending physician in infectious diseases.

I like to itemize what I believe I must accomplish for the coming year, a typical attitude one would expect from a disciplined personality. If you believe in signs, here is the proof: I am a Capricorn. I possess most of the characteristics of a Capricorn, i.e. perseverance, hardworking and meticulous preplanning, blended with some from my rising sign, Taurus. Well, I don’t take the signs very seriously but do enjoy reading as if a game of finding hidden objects.

This process of ‘’to-do’’ listing has certain rituals. First, I dig my computer for the previous year’s note, read it slowly, with a smile as I mark the tasks I’ve succeeded, but narrowing my eyes and frowning when I come across the ‘’still-troublesome’’ items. Then, I make a quick summary and set the new goals. We will do it together this year, dear Reader. We will do it right now! Here we go!

Unfortunately, I have a confession to make: I just checked all my notes but found none for last year, that is, for 2012. Then I remembered that I didn’t write any because there was no additional task to do last year; 2012 would be a continuation of 2011, a transitory period in my growth. Therefore, my point of reference will be the note for 2011:

‘’ BEFORE 2011

Another year is about to pass. What makes the start of the New Year unique? Dividing the time into years, months and days enables us interact and communicate properly. We need them. Besides, it’s useful to have certain time points which mark the end of a certain period and the beginning of a new one to look back and see how much we accomplished in terms of personal improvement within that given time frame.

I just read my ‘’New Year Resolutions’’ that I wrote last year. It’s amazing to see how much I’ve traveled since then.

Here is the last year’s note (that is, for the year 2010):

1. Don’t give without getting.

2. Value them as much as they deserve.

3. Regular workout

4. Writing, writing, writing

5. Be my best friend.

6. Learn meditation

7. Protect yourself.

More than half of the year has passed, and I can see I need to work more on some. I did accomplish certain ones, i.e. number 4, 5 and 7. I neglected regular workout because of knee problems and I must to start soon. As for No. 1 and 2, I failed. I should stop giving too much without getting anything or valuing them more than they deserve. This requires more intervention of my mind in heart’s matters and some stonifying of the heart. By the end of this year, I plan to be as I see myself. Sorry for those who might find me more rigid or emotionless or even a little unkind. I need this to protect myself .’’

This was my note for 2010. The main idea behind all was to be ‘’happier’’ than I was. At that time, I believed what made me unhappy was not getting enough compared to what I gave to others. And the only rational solution appeared to be adopting a ‘more rigid, and ‘’less giving’’ attitude. Balance in personal relationships was my main concern.

Did I accomplish my resolutions of last year? My point of reference changed meanwhile, making some of them irrelevant such as the first item: ‘’Don’t give without getting’’. This was a temporary remedy for the suffering I was going through because of getting hurt in human relations – a reactive response to the state I was in then. I had lost my faith in men and true friendship after being hurt deeply by someone I considered to be my ‘’true friend’’. This was the second time in my life that I felt so betrayed. I believed this happened because I was naïve and 100 percent honest and open. Once you open your heart and soul to someone, you become vulnerable, because you are ‘’naked’’ with no armor around you, not even proper clothing to protect you. Withdrawal is the first reaction to pain and suffering.

Now I smile at that ‘’immature’’ woman who was crying out for love at first, then decided to close her heart completely. What happened last year that made me grow ‘’wiser’’?

Those were the growing pains. I was challenged with high ebbs and tides, almost gulped in an endless abyss. I had a couple of true friends who were with me in the ups and downs with no other concerns but my wellbeing. There were a few whom I shared the depth of my soul, some I inadvertently hurt with my reckless attitude because I felt rejected.  Thank you for riding with me. Thank you for extending your hand whenever I needed.

The last two months have been pretty busy for my personal improvement. I’ve been reading a lot, practicing meditation, and finally I found my answer to that crucial question: ‘’Is it possible to love with truly NO expectations?’’ Now I can answer: IT IS! This is the very basis for happiness! Equipped with a new understanding of life, the world unfolds with all its miraculous beauty before me.

And what is the magical key that enabled this transformation? A simple principle I managed to put into practice: ‘’Living Here and Now, and enjoying what life brings with no attachment’’. This liberated me, and thus, my beloved ones from the chains I inadvertently put around them with my expectations. And it helped me gain control of the strong emotions that consumed me. I am no longer afraid of being alone – not even when I grow old. I don’t need a ‘’special’’ person in my life, because I have everything. ‘’

I suppose it’s now clear to you that the major bulk of my transformation has already been complete by then; only some smoothing and polishing needed here and there. Those 7 items are no longer relevant except for only one.

My to-do list for 2013 is much simpler:

  1. Write regularly.
  2. Mindfulness in each step.

This short list will probably be active not only for 2013, but as long as I continue to breathe, think, and feel. These two are the keys that opened the colossal gate before the magnificent garden I’ve been peeking in throughout my lifetime, the main leverage for happiness and joy in my life, the two wings of my freedom to fly…

Dear Reader, thank you for your help with my New Year list. We did a good job! It wasn’t as difficult as it first sounded, was it? Nevertheless, we both deserve a bar of chocolate! I wouldn’t object to a glass of fine red wine, too. I hope you don’t mind if I accompany you with the chocolate and a cup of fresh brewed coffee.

THE COLLECTIVE BEING (Sunday, July 29, 2012)

We are one. We truly are one…

It sounds as one of the popular contemporary clichés of the New Age spiritualists, a statement ready to hit the button to start the cascade of a severe allergic reaction in me. Don’t worry, I am in the process of desensitization and will probably contain it before it gets out of control.

Breathing in, I know I am breathing in, breathing out I see this faulty side of my character to categorize and judge too hastily.

Breathing in, I am mindful of that, breathing out I let go of these trigger key words.

Breathing in I breathe in, breathing out I am free of notions.

That easy! I’m so grateful to everyone who introduced me to meditation, my savior and primary tool for happiness and joy. Thank you, all!

What prompted me to start today’s writing with that statement was last night’s events. It had been an extremely hot week, the temperature around 40’s in Celcius during the day. Yesterday was particularly unbearable. My cat, Taffy, sneaked in a dark corner in the bedroom and slept there the whole day when I found some relief with frequent showers and a fan. One could touch the heat, hold its tail and whirl around fervently to throw away, only to realize and accept all the efforts were in vain. Trees and roses stood out there in the garden in serenity whereas the grass panicked and sucked in the smallest drop of water in reach of its weak roots. A silent battle for life.

Around sunset, the grass had already given in to the ominous enemy. The battleground was covered with lifeless yellow soldiers. They fought well, with all their might, but lost. One cannot expect mercy from an enemy at war. The rules are simple, and have not changed since ancient times. Actually, there is only one rule: Kill to win!

Then, the leaves on the top branches of the apple tree began to swing delicately. Others soon joined their mourning song. The wind danced around them in joy. What a shame, wind! What is there to be joyous of? It’s time to mourn now. But no, the wind was too young to understand. On the contrary, it took the gentle song of the leaves as a signal to start the fanfare. It whirled and whirled madly in an ecstatic dance. The leaves were easygoing in nature; thus, none hesitated to share this joy. The war battle was a festival place!

One drop… Another… Then another… They found their way to the withered grass  roots, soothing and embracing them with a mother’s care in their arms. The rain was the last to drive the winner away. It was night, the time for rain and wind to reign in this land…

Dear Reader, I am not telling you a tale. That’s exactly what happened yesterday. I know that because I saw it with my own eyes.

Now, please tell me: Is this different from our own life experiences? We believe we are unique, the chosen species, the kings and queens in this world. We laugh, we cry, we turn red with anger, we smile with serenity and peace. We love with from the depths of our heart, we lose half of our being when the beloved leaves us. We give all what we have to make them happy, we make furtive plans to pull down those who made ‘’wrong’’ to us. We revive, we kill. We enjoy life when wealth and goodness shower upon us, we see it as an endless battle when calamity grabs us firmly with it claws.

A garden in summertime on one side, you and what makes you on the other…

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